It’s cold here in northwestern PA. . I know Polar Vortex, as if this is a sci-fi movie. Please. It’s cold. We feel it. Some of my chickens died and my Linemen husband is frozen when he actually comes home. This cold does go right through to your bones.The bleakness of winter can consume you if you let it. My kids of course are driving me crazy. If we don’t get above 1 degree soon I am seriously going to reevaluate my mental health. We’ve acquired a talking Amazon Parrot , conure, kitten and a dog since I last posted. I don’t have enough chaos in here, I’m opting for an indoor zoo! So I haven’t posted in over a year. I wasn’t able to sit at my computer. I have these disks that seem to pop like popcorn. This is the third time it has happened to me. I thought for sure I was done. I don’t know if you have ever experienced nerve pain, but it is not like anything I can describe.It is relentless and pursuing. I could not escape it. I did finally get surgery. I am not a fan of chiropractors and please refrain from telling me how wonderful they are for you. So I know this is not like my usual posts. I want you to know that God does hear the prayers of the Homeschooling Mom. He heard me say” God I can’t do this. If you don’t help me I quit. I am sending these kids to the public school and I just give up. The pain is too much( and it was)”. My friends forgot me, some family thought I was addicted to the pain meds( I don’t know why, they didn’t help much) . I told Him in no uncertain terms that I was done with Him and with everyone. Now if you don’t know God you will say” some God you have there” I know . You see this is not the worst thing I have ever been through, Maybe as far as pain level, but not the worst thing. He did help me through this and compensated for the lack of schooling I was not able to do. My kids are so much better now. I could just weep to think of it.I ditched my old schooling. I have so much better results now. I have more help for my dyslexic son. God used this time when I could not even sit, to do some great things in my kids lives. I have come out of this thing called suffering so much better. You see when you suffer no-one can go through this with you. You have no companion. It is not meant to be shared. I am not out of pain and probably never will be. I’m okay with that. I’ll be okay, someday. It has been awful. It has been painful and hard. Lonely nights. One thing I can say is trite things like this” You have not suffered as much as Job or as much as….” are just so ridiculous. So glad I have a great God who does reach down in my pain, because I have suffered as much as ME. He made me and knows my pain. My Creator fashioned me. No matter where I am. In a lonely dark place( which I have been before).He’s been there for me. This lesson isn’t learned breezing through life. It’s learned on the road less traveled. God knows our pain. No matter how deep the pit. Take heart. Homeschooling can be hard. I know. I’ve weathered the storms, the comments, the scrutiny, the struggles. They’re worth it. Don’t give up. I’m not perfect. I’ve been unorganized, my house messy, freaked out, lost my patience, lost my mind, please don’t ever think that you have lost your God. He’s here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQnBvUiAGsI#!
I never realized before how much I appreciated the action of sitting. I told you in a previous blog I was in pain. Well I am. I have a herniated disk which is pinching a nerve, making sitting near impossible. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not whining. That’s not something I usually do. I just want to be thankful today for the things I’m sure I don’t even realize I take for granted. I haven’t blogged in a while. I usually get up at 4:30 am when it’s quiet. The rooster isn’t even crowing then. The quiet gives my mind a chance to just flow. Well I also sit in front of the computer, with my coffee:O) and savor the alone time. None of those things are appealing to me right now. I’m in a state of perpetual motion. But I looked outside today and the sun is shining. . It’s going to be 80 out, the wind is blowing. I love the wind. I can’t lie. I’m in agony. The pain meds are not even helping. Home educating is so frustrating. There is something about the wind though.. it’s like a balm to my soul. I remember going to Prince Edward Island with my husband. We stood there on the cliffs and felt the force of the wind. Ever since we call these types of days PEI days. You know those days. When your soul feels like it has wings. It doesn’t take away my pain. it just makes me stop and remember that God has not forgotten me. I hear his still small voice. Only it doesn’t seem so small. It’s pretty loud. The trees rustle, The red brush grinds, the clouds are whipping by. The forest is bustling with activity. I need this reminder. That amidst all my pain and all the crazy bombings and factories exploding, the evil in this world, God is still in control. He hasn’t forgotten. He is still In charge. He still gives me these PEI days. The pain tries to overwhelm me. Home educating becomes a chore. Portfolios are the last thing I want to do. He hasn’t forgotten me. I can still cling to the knowledge that yes, I do know the Master of the wind.
The Wind by Robert Louis Stevenson