Tag Archives: sexual abuse

The girl with the black hair.

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I’m writing to the girl with the black hair. I know you felt so out-of-place today. I mean I know you listen to us say things like we ought to love our neighbor and reach the lost. You heard it in church. We told you we want you to come as you are, today you did, and it wasn’t good enough. You asked me before why your mom didn’t want you ” I mean I wasn’t a bad baby Mrs. Barker, why didn’t my birth mom want me? What you don’t know is I held back my tears and my hatred for your real mom. I know I’m supposed to love her, but she is so selfish and I just can’t imagine a mom keeping some children and abusing others.I wasn’t abandoned by my mother and I can only imagine what that feels like. So girl with the black hair, I wish I could say she was having a hard life or she didn’t have money, but honestly she was selfish and cruel, no child deserves to be abused. No child. I don’t care if you cried all night, spit in her coffee or said I hate you( which you didn’t) No child, None.
So now you have come to us, the people of God, and you want to be loved, accepted ,you want to know we want you. I’m sorry girl with the black hair that you have come to us and we want you to be like us. I’m sorry that we say come as you are, but we mean come as WE are. I m sorry that even though I take the time to love you and have you over, that I too fail you. I know you are so desperate for that feeling of acceptance and sometimes it’s all I can to tolerate my four kids. I don’t know why we can’t love the unlovely. I don’t know why we say we want to reach people and then we nit pick the very people we are trying to reach. I know what you feel like, girl with the black hair. I used to be you.
I came to Christ at the age of 14. I didn’t know the Christian lingo, the terms, the proper dress or the proper etiquette in church. I was just so happy to finally be loved by God. My soul was so empty and I was finally in a place where I was loved. Then one day I was out with my sister. We were shopping and I was wearing black jeans and a t-shirt. I walked into a store and saw a church member. Man I was so excited. I never saw church members outside of church. I smiled real big and held the door for her. Then my heart sunk. This woman whom I absolutely looked up to, looked me up, then down, then put her nose up in the air and walked right away as if she did not know me. I was devastated. If that women only knew. If she only knew how broken and fragile I really was. How I craved acceptance. What she knew though was she was taught certain things. The number one was to shun what she did not understand. Yeah it’s just ignorance and I too can be so guilty of it. God brought me back to him after that day. I Left for quite a while but He showed me what He was really like and that He in fact did love the unlovely. He .Loved. Me.
So here I am in all my honesty. People suck. They do.
Jesus holding girl
But our God is in the dark places. He is in the cry of a child forsaken by her mother. He is in the heart of a child so desperate for love, even in a church that only cares about not soiling their little blessings with the likes of you. What they don’t know is it will be someone like You who will reach the world. It was someone like you that JESUS died for. The ground at the foot of the cross is equal. We are all sinners before a Holy God. There is NONE righteous, no, not one!!! God is not a respector of persons girl with the black hair, but people suck, and we are.
You see He was broken for us, isn’t that what The Lord Supper is about? Remembering his bruised broken body, His beatings .He was bruised for our iniquities. His body was broken. Yet girl with the black hair, He tried to reach the world. He did not stay in His perfect Sunday best, in His perfect Sunday church. He did not stay away from the likes of you. He went to the publican and sinner. I think some of us want to keep them off our pews. Wouldn’t want the unchurched to spoil our perfect little blessings. He was broken for YOU though, so I think , no I know he wants you there. Bring your stuffed animal, even if they tell you otherwise(in fact sit next to the homeschooler who brought her doll and look them right in the eye and dare them to say something). I will fight for you, He fought for me. He pulled me out of the miry clay, He continues to pull me out of the darkness. So girl with the black hair, He knows your name. Even if they didn’t.(Psht.) He knows your name and HE wants you there. Come as you are but don’t ever leave the way you came. Let HIM change you on the inside, and when you look at them smile knowing He sought you out and loves you. Let them have their judgement. When you stand before that loving Savior, naked and complete, none of it will matter.
You. Are. Loved.

Fifty Shades of Abuse

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I was couponing yesterday and I flipped open to the Target flyer. They were advertising for Valentine’s Day, with Fifty Shades of Grey. They show a seductive scene and Mr Grey himself appealing to whoever likes skinny, pasty,pale young men.(my husbands more of a man). I shrugged and flipped the page. I opened my news feed sometime later and someone was posting about Fifty Shades of Grey. The points were valid. It’s not love, So when is it okay for wealthy men to abuse women for sex? Etc. The problem is the warped sense of right and wrong people have. They read these blogs, they listen to the points and they go to the movie anyway. I read one comment that said” Give me a break people its just entertainment”. ( Insert sigh here)

Years ago the news came out about a very powerful man that was  seducing a young intern. People were outraged. A man in a position of power should not use it  to abuse a young girl. Other people said the girl was a variety of choice words.( of course it was her fault. )She obviously seduced him. Another Pastor fell( shocking I know) He was said to have had inappropriate relations with a very young girl. He would not even have been arrested except he brought her across state lines. He’s going to serve a long time.(Good) Just recently a member of the patriarchal movement fell. Took advantage of a young girl from 15 -22 or more. (Of course, the men in the Christian community blame the girl, oh and we should pray for him. )They don’t in the first case though because, ah well, that was Bill Clinton.  7 years ago a 16-year old friend of the family forced himself on a little girl. He threw her in the dryer and whispered that he’d cook her to death. Turned the dryer on. Someone I know had her head  bashed into the wall by her husband. She has hearing trouble in that ear to this day. (That occurred in front of other men, Marines, in fact) Disgusting isn’t it. The thing is in every situation, consensual or not, there was a sense of dominance and submission.

Let me add sexy music to those scenes. Does it make it entertainment? Don’t you think most everyone involved here would love to go back and rewrite history.? I know I would. Despite what professionals and well-meaning people tell you, you don’t just get over it or get it all out of our system”. There is no off button on  your mind. God designed our mind with trigger warnings to protect us. Sometimes it’s more than we can bare.

So now you might be saying this is not the same thing. I gave you the benefit of the doubt and googled the pdf for the book. I will not read any of the areas that get into vivid sex scenes. It would be very unhealthy for me. I don’t want to go down that road, at all. I’m skimming. I see a very insecure young girl. She likes books and does not think she is all that pretty. Christian Grey is a handsome billionaire. Let’s all just stop right there. Let’s change the ages a little. make Anastasia 18. Then let Mr.Grey do what he does to Ana. Do you still think that is okay? Make it your teenage daughter or your sister. Is that the kind of man you want her to be with?  Oh, wait you see Ana knows it’s right because she gets this “charge” of electricity and that’s how she knows she wants to have sex with him.(Insert another sigh here) Which up to this point she never has. I posted an article on my facebook the other day. You can read it here: https://www.facebook.com/danbarbdjsc/posts/10204915159093460

The desire for that lifestyle starts somewhere…Porn aka; Fifty Shades, is not harmless.

I would like you to consider the atrocities we hear on the news about women in other cultures. The abuse, the rape. We are appalled, yet we here in America worship and glorify it on the big screen? Sex trafficking is at alarming numbers( they should be at 0) http://www.8daysfilm.org/

Writing a book or producing a movie that tells people that violent sex towards women is okay, is unfathomable. He does not just have sex ( outside of marriage) but he uses whips and actually beats her to where she’s scared. She’s afraid to say anything because she does not want him to leave her.Hello? Folks that is not love, entertainment or just a movie to peek your curiosity. That is dangerous. There are women that are afraid to leave. Some never get that option. We read about them in the headlines

.http://crimeblog.dallasnews.com/2013/01/police-arrest-suspect-name-victim-in-shooting-at-ut-southwestern-parking-garage.html/,

http://www.irishmirror.ie/news/irish-news/crime/brave-daughter-bare-knuckle-boxer-who-

5142288,http://www.morningjournal.com/general-news/20150209/ohio-students-death-underscores-domestic-dangers( this one especially fits)

“When that victim tries to remove herself from the control, he’s going to up the ante,” said Nancy Neylon, executive director for the Ohio Domestic Violence Network.

That control can first manifest in such areas as wanting to decide where the person goes, spends free time, or even dresses.

“That’s absolutely where it starts,” Neylon said. “Even victims who have been physically battered talk about that emotional control as the worst part.”

(So romantic I think I’ll go grab popcorn and a huge soda to read that article.)

The sad part are the moms going to see this movie.I know I’ve heard you talk about this hot scene or that great position, or can you believe… The sad part is yes they’re people who can believe and they are so afraid looking for a way out. Young girls, older women, the unfortunate thing is there is no age discrimination in sex crimes. I suspect if this had happened to them they would not be in line, no they’d join me and my friends who are sick that people think this is acceptable. I am a happily married women with a past I’d like to forget and it definitely has not been easy but, maybe we need to go back to the definition of what love means.Love is not Dominance and Submission. Love is two flesh becoming ONE flesh. Giving to each other. (Funny I thought women HATED submission.)I would never purposefully abuse my own flesh. Maybe just maybe you have been told a lie about what love is and what pleasure is. I wish I could appeal to your conscience, but I can’t. It seems you checked that at the ticket counter.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

stock-photo-woman-victim-of-domestic-violence-and-abuse-husband-intimidates-his-wife-focus-on-the-arm-with-a-112442102

Fifty Shades of Abuse. That’s where it starts.( oh wait she’s not wearing a negligee.)

Silence is complicity.

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Part of home educating my kids is that I have opportunities to address issues that show up. We discuss these issues at length. Some issues are more adultish in manner , but I have never talked to my children as if they are intellectually inferior. They are adults in the making. I am not raising children. I am raising adults. Sometimes the hard issues come up. Sometimes I am forced to talk about things I don’t want to talk about. I can’t talk about. I think its time though for me to finally just address this kind of issue.

I am originally from Sandy Hook, CT. A virtually unknown place until the tragic murdering of precious innocence. I lived about two minutes from the school. I rode my bike past that school many times to go to the Deli( where I bought candy) or the pizza place. Everyone says Newtown is a safe town. That tragedy never happened there. As if evil had passed over it because, well didn’t you see the news? The picture perfect town. Postcard image. Except I lived in a 550 square ft. house in the less fortunate side of Newtown. My parents were divorced and well sometimes my life was not a picture perfect postcard. The thing with safety is it’s deceiving. Silence from evil does not mean it is non-existent. I have hidden a secret the whole time I went through the school system. No-one knew.
I had been molested by a 16-year-old babysitter . He also threatened to kill me and to make sure I knew it( and because he was sick and crazy) threw me in our dryer and turned it on. Don’t worry though everyone said I wouldn’t remember. Oh and that teenager.. the social worker said he was a good boy. I don’t have all the pieces as to why the Newtown police department did not arrest him and throw him in jail but let me assure you, your brain NEVER forgets.

Two days ago I was scrolling Facebook , the internet etc.. and an old video from Sandy Hook showed up. I watched it just because my heart breaks for Sandy Hook. I hate evil. Almost to the end of the video a man says“I am for strict gun control…blah blah blah….” I look below at the description of the interview. He looked familiar.His name. Oh God. There he was. Speaking about gun control. My hands were shaking so bad, I felt sick. I immediately thought of his sister, whom he also molested. I heard from an old neighbor that she took her own life. I wonder why. Here he was free. Yet when someone has had trauma, or abuse forced upon them they are never really free. The mind is an amazing thing. It remembers the things you ignore and pretend never existed. Which I did.

So our conversation, the one my children and I have been having is about Silence. Can you hear it? I walk out to our field every morning with my daughter. We feed our horses and cow. It is a refreshing walk down the trail into the field the neighbors called “the hidden field” . Our dog Rocky comes with us. He bounces around chasing all the things we can’t see because they are hidden in silence. Every once in a while a deer will come flying out of nowhere and bound off it the woods. She was there, the whole time, but we never saw her. Silence in the face of evil is not standing up to the evil , it is complicity to the evil. Pretending it is not there does not make it go away. Trust me. I tried. To say to someone who has been abused don’t talk about it, we’ll just ignore it, is just allowing the evil to continue. Do you know that a monster shows up when you least expect it.In the darkness. Let me tell you he’s shown up in my life more than I care to say.
The statistics out are 1 in 4 for females to be sexually abused before the age of 14. Seriously people does anyone not just inhale and forget to breathe here??? This is happening in our churches as well. When Pastors are told not to report the evil, I think the world has gone mad. The church should be the refuge for the broken, the abused, instead you will find time and time again the women silenced and the perpetrator is allowed to continue his deeds. The fact that my two best friends have similar pasts and that about a month ago a man sat at my table who was sexually abused by a PASTOR, makes me want to VOMIT. Heres the thing, if you think I protect my kids. This won’t happen to them. Uncle, Grandparent, babysitter and Pastor. Anything here about a psycho pedophile? Does he look creepy with dark eyes and tattoos? No, he is someone you know. He is your friend, your relative, your trusted advisor . When females remain the object for man to buy and sell. When hollywood and the world makes the female a commodity she is only good for one thing, her body, she is marketable. It does not matter if they tell you to have self-esteem. The Victoria Secret models flaunt it for all the world to see’ Here I am come buy me”. Prepare your little girls too. Make men desire them. When our tv and Movies just show females as nothing but a body, no wonder a depraved mind can’t get his fill. He will not be reformed. They never are.

Please do not tell me just Trust God. I cannot even tell you how much that is a cop-out. Please tell me, What the heck does that MEAN?? When I wake up in the middle of the night and my monster was real, can you please tell me how that will clear my mind? Does that help me when I’m in an MRI machine and all I can think is,” I’m being cooked to death. I can hear it.” Does that help me when you tell me some horrific story about child abuse and I want to scream at you and say”Stop! Stop! I can’t listen. Don’t tell me.” I instantly have a wave of fear and panic come over me. Does it help me not feel his breath when I kiss my husband? Stop saying stupid things. Christ has been the One light in my life, but don’t use Christian clichés as an excuse to not help the struggling and abused. We think you are an idiot.

So here’s the thing everyone always says you have to talk about it. That’s funny. The more I have been talking about it , the more I have been getting SILENCE.Yes you’d think support, but people either don’t want to feel guilty or they just don’t care. So here it all is. Once it’s out there it’s out there. I hate it. It’s vulnerability and that’s something I never want to be. Ugh. I did this for the start of my journey to stand up and stop being quiet about the things that matter. There are other little girls and boys out there who have been silenced. If my two closest friends have the same background and I have met them at different points in my life , can you imagine the others. It really needs to stop. The condescendng talk towards women in general needs to stop. I will not teach my kids to be complicit. This is also for them. They get to be free from monsters. Stop being silent. Women are just as guilty as men, especially in the church. If you know someone going through any kind of abuse emotional, physical, sexual they need you.They need counseling from a professional. Encourage them to go. Don’t say” I don’t want to get involved.” Don’t agree not to talk about it. Stand up . Speak out. SILENCE IS COMPLICITY.