Tag Archives: saved

The girl with the black hair.

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I’m writing to the girl with the black hair. I know you felt so out-of-place today. I mean I know you listen to us say things like we ought to love our neighbor and reach the lost. You heard it in church. We told you we want you to come as you are, today you did, and it wasn’t good enough. You asked me before why your mom didn’t want you ” I mean I wasn’t a bad baby Mrs. Barker, why didn’t my birth mom want me? What you don’t know is I held back my tears and my hatred for your real mom. I know I’m supposed to love her, but she is so selfish and I just can’t imagine a mom keeping some children and abusing others.I wasn’t abandoned by my mother and I can only imagine what that feels like. So girl with the black hair, I wish I could say she was having a hard life or she didn’t have money, but honestly she was selfish and cruel, no child deserves to be abused. No child. I don’t care if you cried all night, spit in her coffee or said I hate you( which you didn’t) No child, None.
So now you have come to us, the people of God, and you want to be loved, accepted ,you want to know we want you. I’m sorry girl with the black hair that you have come to us and we want you to be like us. I’m sorry that we say come as you are, but we mean come as WE are. I m sorry that even though I take the time to love you and have you over, that I too fail you. I know you are so desperate for that feeling of acceptance and sometimes it’s all I can to tolerate my four kids. I don’t know why we can’t love the unlovely. I don’t know why we say we want to reach people and then we nit pick the very people we are trying to reach. I know what you feel like, girl with the black hair. I used to be you.
I came to Christ at the age of 14. I didn’t know the Christian lingo, the terms, the proper dress or the proper etiquette in church. I was just so happy to finally be loved by God. My soul was so empty and I was finally in a place where I was loved. Then one day I was out with my sister. We were shopping and I was wearing black jeans and a t-shirt. I walked into a store and saw a church member. Man I was so excited. I never saw church members outside of church. I smiled real big and held the door for her. Then my heart sunk. This woman whom I absolutely looked up to, looked me up, then down, then put her nose up in the air and walked right away as if she did not know me. I was devastated. If that women only knew. If she only knew how broken and fragile I really was. How I craved acceptance. What she knew though was she was taught certain things. The number one was to shun what she did not understand. Yeah it’s just ignorance and I too can be so guilty of it. God brought me back to him after that day. I Left for quite a while but He showed me what He was really like and that He in fact did love the unlovely. He .Loved. Me.
So here I am in all my honesty. People suck. They do.
Jesus holding girl
But our God is in the dark places. He is in the cry of a child forsaken by her mother. He is in the heart of a child so desperate for love, even in a church that only cares about not soiling their little blessings with the likes of you. What they don’t know is it will be someone like You who will reach the world. It was someone like you that JESUS died for. The ground at the foot of the cross is equal. We are all sinners before a Holy God. There is NONE righteous, no, not one!!! God is not a respector of persons girl with the black hair, but people suck, and we are.
You see He was broken for us, isn’t that what The Lord Supper is about? Remembering his bruised broken body, His beatings .He was bruised for our iniquities. His body was broken. Yet girl with the black hair, He tried to reach the world. He did not stay in His perfect Sunday best, in His perfect Sunday church. He did not stay away from the likes of you. He went to the publican and sinner. I think some of us want to keep them off our pews. Wouldn’t want the unchurched to spoil our perfect little blessings. He was broken for YOU though, so I think , no I know he wants you there. Bring your stuffed animal, even if they tell you otherwise(in fact sit next to the homeschooler who brought her doll and look them right in the eye and dare them to say something). I will fight for you, He fought for me. He pulled me out of the miry clay, He continues to pull me out of the darkness. So girl with the black hair, He knows your name. Even if they didn’t.(Psht.) He knows your name and HE wants you there. Come as you are but don’t ever leave the way you came. Let HIM change you on the inside, and when you look at them smile knowing He sought you out and loves you. Let them have their judgement. When you stand before that loving Savior, naked and complete, none of it will matter.
You. Are. Loved.

Authenticity

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I allowed myself to be hurt today. My son told me something someone said about me. It really dug down deep. I love this person. I’ve had them at my house. I’ve fed them, taken them places,  I’ve laughed, teased, and treated them as my own. I’ve prayed for them. They told another teen they don’t like me. My son said ” mom I know sometimes I don’t act like I should, sometimes I act different in front of people. Mom this person, the change in front of others is unbelievable. “ My hurt went from hurt, to broken. Friends what are we teaching our children? 

I have watched children shovel sidewalks, open doors, pass plates, take out the church garbage and all because a parent glared at them and gave that” we are important in this church, you’d better perform, people expect it look.” All in the name of having an ordered home and being a ” godly “leader.

Don’t even tell me I’m wrong. I’m dead on. 

These children are learning how to become a chameleon. They change colors, or fronts depending on who they are around. The teen years are already so hard. People rage against Christians. I know I’m 39 and I have people on facebook who say the cruelest things about Christians. We are not allowed to believe. We are parasites.

My children are not perfect. I know their struggles. I am very open and honest with them. They know mine. They also know the thing I hate the most in this world is a fake. I want Authenticity.

Don’t tell me you are godly because you are a Pastor, Deacon, or Sunday school teacher. I know some of you, and I know your kids. Please be authentic. Your children watch how you treat them at home ,and then how you act at church or in front of the Pastor. They see right through you.

They will not serve a God who is Authentic. They will be great actors. Trust me, we don’t need more actors. That’s why the church is in this mess. 

I am starting this journey on Authenticity. If my children forsake God it won’t be because my Christianity isn’t real, it will be because they chose the world and now are the enemy of God. 

Stop being a liar. Be authentic. Our world needs you.

Fifty Shades of Abuse

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I was couponing yesterday and I flipped open to the Target flyer. They were advertising for Valentine’s Day, with Fifty Shades of Grey. They show a seductive scene and Mr Grey himself appealing to whoever likes skinny, pasty,pale young men.(my husbands more of a man). I shrugged and flipped the page. I opened my news feed sometime later and someone was posting about Fifty Shades of Grey. The points were valid. It’s not love, So when is it okay for wealthy men to abuse women for sex? Etc. The problem is the warped sense of right and wrong people have. They read these blogs, they listen to the points and they go to the movie anyway. I read one comment that said” Give me a break people its just entertainment”. ( Insert sigh here)

Years ago the news came out about a very powerful man that was  seducing a young intern. People were outraged. A man in a position of power should not use it  to abuse a young girl. Other people said the girl was a variety of choice words.( of course it was her fault. )She obviously seduced him. Another Pastor fell( shocking I know) He was said to have had inappropriate relations with a very young girl. He would not even have been arrested except he brought her across state lines. He’s going to serve a long time.(Good) Just recently a member of the patriarchal movement fell. Took advantage of a young girl from 15 -22 or more. (Of course, the men in the Christian community blame the girl, oh and we should pray for him. )They don’t in the first case though because, ah well, that was Bill Clinton.  7 years ago a 16-year old friend of the family forced himself on a little girl. He threw her in the dryer and whispered that he’d cook her to death. Turned the dryer on. Someone I know had her head  bashed into the wall by her husband. She has hearing trouble in that ear to this day. (That occurred in front of other men, Marines, in fact) Disgusting isn’t it. The thing is in every situation, consensual or not, there was a sense of dominance and submission.

Let me add sexy music to those scenes. Does it make it entertainment? Don’t you think most everyone involved here would love to go back and rewrite history.? I know I would. Despite what professionals and well-meaning people tell you, you don’t just get over it or get it all out of our system”. There is no off button on  your mind. God designed our mind with trigger warnings to protect us. Sometimes it’s more than we can bare.

So now you might be saying this is not the same thing. I gave you the benefit of the doubt and googled the pdf for the book. I will not read any of the areas that get into vivid sex scenes. It would be very unhealthy for me. I don’t want to go down that road, at all. I’m skimming. I see a very insecure young girl. She likes books and does not think she is all that pretty. Christian Grey is a handsome billionaire. Let’s all just stop right there. Let’s change the ages a little. make Anastasia 18. Then let Mr.Grey do what he does to Ana. Do you still think that is okay? Make it your teenage daughter or your sister. Is that the kind of man you want her to be with?  Oh, wait you see Ana knows it’s right because she gets this “charge” of electricity and that’s how she knows she wants to have sex with him.(Insert another sigh here) Which up to this point she never has. I posted an article on my facebook the other day. You can read it here: https://www.facebook.com/danbarbdjsc/posts/10204915159093460

The desire for that lifestyle starts somewhere…Porn aka; Fifty Shades, is not harmless.

I would like you to consider the atrocities we hear on the news about women in other cultures. The abuse, the rape. We are appalled, yet we here in America worship and glorify it on the big screen? Sex trafficking is at alarming numbers( they should be at 0) http://www.8daysfilm.org/

Writing a book or producing a movie that tells people that violent sex towards women is okay, is unfathomable. He does not just have sex ( outside of marriage) but he uses whips and actually beats her to where she’s scared. She’s afraid to say anything because she does not want him to leave her.Hello? Folks that is not love, entertainment or just a movie to peek your curiosity. That is dangerous. There are women that are afraid to leave. Some never get that option. We read about them in the headlines

.http://crimeblog.dallasnews.com/2013/01/police-arrest-suspect-name-victim-in-shooting-at-ut-southwestern-parking-garage.html/,

http://www.irishmirror.ie/news/irish-news/crime/brave-daughter-bare-knuckle-boxer-who-

5142288,http://www.morningjournal.com/general-news/20150209/ohio-students-death-underscores-domestic-dangers( this one especially fits)

“When that victim tries to remove herself from the control, he’s going to up the ante,” said Nancy Neylon, executive director for the Ohio Domestic Violence Network.

That control can first manifest in such areas as wanting to decide where the person goes, spends free time, or even dresses.

“That’s absolutely where it starts,” Neylon said. “Even victims who have been physically battered talk about that emotional control as the worst part.”

(So romantic I think I’ll go grab popcorn and a huge soda to read that article.)

The sad part are the moms going to see this movie.I know I’ve heard you talk about this hot scene or that great position, or can you believe… The sad part is yes they’re people who can believe and they are so afraid looking for a way out. Young girls, older women, the unfortunate thing is there is no age discrimination in sex crimes. I suspect if this had happened to them they would not be in line, no they’d join me and my friends who are sick that people think this is acceptable. I am a happily married women with a past I’d like to forget and it definitely has not been easy but, maybe we need to go back to the definition of what love means.Love is not Dominance and Submission. Love is two flesh becoming ONE flesh. Giving to each other. (Funny I thought women HATED submission.)I would never purposefully abuse my own flesh. Maybe just maybe you have been told a lie about what love is and what pleasure is. I wish I could appeal to your conscience, but I can’t. It seems you checked that at the ticket counter.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

stock-photo-woman-victim-of-domestic-violence-and-abuse-husband-intimidates-his-wife-focus-on-the-arm-with-a-112442102

Fifty Shades of Abuse. That’s where it starts.( oh wait she’s not wearing a negligee.)

Silence is complicity.

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Part of home educating my kids is that I have opportunities to address issues that show up. We discuss these issues at length. Some issues are more adultish in manner , but I have never talked to my children as if they are intellectually inferior. They are adults in the making. I am not raising children. I am raising adults. Sometimes the hard issues come up. Sometimes I am forced to talk about things I don’t want to talk about. I can’t talk about. I think its time though for me to finally just address this kind of issue.

I am originally from Sandy Hook, CT. A virtually unknown place until the tragic murdering of precious innocence. I lived about two minutes from the school. I rode my bike past that school many times to go to the Deli( where I bought candy) or the pizza place. Everyone says Newtown is a safe town. That tragedy never happened there. As if evil had passed over it because, well didn’t you see the news? The picture perfect town. Postcard image. Except I lived in a 550 square ft. house in the less fortunate side of Newtown. My parents were divorced and well sometimes my life was not a picture perfect postcard. The thing with safety is it’s deceiving. Silence from evil does not mean it is non-existent. I have hidden a secret the whole time I went through the school system. No-one knew.
I had been molested by a 16-year-old babysitter . He also threatened to kill me and to make sure I knew it( and because he was sick and crazy) threw me in our dryer and turned it on. Don’t worry though everyone said I wouldn’t remember. Oh and that teenager.. the social worker said he was a good boy. I don’t have all the pieces as to why the Newtown police department did not arrest him and throw him in jail but let me assure you, your brain NEVER forgets.

Two days ago I was scrolling Facebook , the internet etc.. and an old video from Sandy Hook showed up. I watched it just because my heart breaks for Sandy Hook. I hate evil. Almost to the end of the video a man says“I am for strict gun control…blah blah blah….” I look below at the description of the interview. He looked familiar.His name. Oh God. There he was. Speaking about gun control. My hands were shaking so bad, I felt sick. I immediately thought of his sister, whom he also molested. I heard from an old neighbor that she took her own life. I wonder why. Here he was free. Yet when someone has had trauma, or abuse forced upon them they are never really free. The mind is an amazing thing. It remembers the things you ignore and pretend never existed. Which I did.

So our conversation, the one my children and I have been having is about Silence. Can you hear it? I walk out to our field every morning with my daughter. We feed our horses and cow. It is a refreshing walk down the trail into the field the neighbors called “the hidden field” . Our dog Rocky comes with us. He bounces around chasing all the things we can’t see because they are hidden in silence. Every once in a while a deer will come flying out of nowhere and bound off it the woods. She was there, the whole time, but we never saw her. Silence in the face of evil is not standing up to the evil , it is complicity to the evil. Pretending it is not there does not make it go away. Trust me. I tried. To say to someone who has been abused don’t talk about it, we’ll just ignore it, is just allowing the evil to continue. Do you know that a monster shows up when you least expect it.In the darkness. Let me tell you he’s shown up in my life more than I care to say.
The statistics out are 1 in 4 for females to be sexually abused before the age of 14. Seriously people does anyone not just inhale and forget to breathe here??? This is happening in our churches as well. When Pastors are told not to report the evil, I think the world has gone mad. The church should be the refuge for the broken, the abused, instead you will find time and time again the women silenced and the perpetrator is allowed to continue his deeds. The fact that my two best friends have similar pasts and that about a month ago a man sat at my table who was sexually abused by a PASTOR, makes me want to VOMIT. Heres the thing, if you think I protect my kids. This won’t happen to them. Uncle, Grandparent, babysitter and Pastor. Anything here about a psycho pedophile? Does he look creepy with dark eyes and tattoos? No, he is someone you know. He is your friend, your relative, your trusted advisor . When females remain the object for man to buy and sell. When hollywood and the world makes the female a commodity she is only good for one thing, her body, she is marketable. It does not matter if they tell you to have self-esteem. The Victoria Secret models flaunt it for all the world to see’ Here I am come buy me”. Prepare your little girls too. Make men desire them. When our tv and Movies just show females as nothing but a body, no wonder a depraved mind can’t get his fill. He will not be reformed. They never are.

Please do not tell me just Trust God. I cannot even tell you how much that is a cop-out. Please tell me, What the heck does that MEAN?? When I wake up in the middle of the night and my monster was real, can you please tell me how that will clear my mind? Does that help me when I’m in an MRI machine and all I can think is,” I’m being cooked to death. I can hear it.” Does that help me when you tell me some horrific story about child abuse and I want to scream at you and say”Stop! Stop! I can’t listen. Don’t tell me.” I instantly have a wave of fear and panic come over me. Does it help me not feel his breath when I kiss my husband? Stop saying stupid things. Christ has been the One light in my life, but don’t use Christian clichés as an excuse to not help the struggling and abused. We think you are an idiot.

So here’s the thing everyone always says you have to talk about it. That’s funny. The more I have been talking about it , the more I have been getting SILENCE.Yes you’d think support, but people either don’t want to feel guilty or they just don’t care. So here it all is. Once it’s out there it’s out there. I hate it. It’s vulnerability and that’s something I never want to be. Ugh. I did this for the start of my journey to stand up and stop being quiet about the things that matter. There are other little girls and boys out there who have been silenced. If my two closest friends have the same background and I have met them at different points in my life , can you imagine the others. It really needs to stop. The condescendng talk towards women in general needs to stop. I will not teach my kids to be complicit. This is also for them. They get to be free from monsters. Stop being silent. Women are just as guilty as men, especially in the church. If you know someone going through any kind of abuse emotional, physical, sexual they need you.They need counseling from a professional. Encourage them to go. Don’t say” I don’t want to get involved.” Don’t agree not to talk about it. Stand up . Speak out. SILENCE IS COMPLICITY.

For such a time as this.

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I usually write just for myself. It’s my time in the morning to get clarity. The kids are sleeping. The house is dark. I actually can barely see the keys. I make plenty of mistakes, but I do it for myself. I enjoy it. Today not so much. Today my heart is a mixed load of sadness and blessings. Today some very important people in my eldest sons life are moving. Don’t get me wrong they have a great opportunity. God opened a door and I think it’s great. Sometimes someone elses blessing can become your trial..in a good, bad sort of way?

The first time my son came to the teen group Daniel was unsure and hurt. His once happy full of life self had been defeated and we were unsure if we should even let him go. Mr. B took Daniel in and made him feel right at home( a choice he may have regretted:O) Daniel would come home from teen group every Wed. and discuss the lesson in the car. He’d ask what we thought. He was totally engaged. He never felt like a teenager was to be silenced or at any moment was going to be rebellious, because we all know that’s what teenagers are. Mr. B talked to Daniel like a human being. Like he was important. If there was anything in this world he could not miss it was the teen group. It wasn’t because of the teens, it was because of Mr. B.

The one thing I appreciated about Mr. B is his willingness to allow the kids to question. To ask those hard things every teen struggles with. He did not shoot them down as heretics or unchristian. It was okay to just say I don’t know. He laughed and smiled and the teens loved him. He didn’t prove he was a man by strength or outward things, but by love and an inward love for God. He did not pretend to be who he was not.

I know Daniel was challenged intellectually. He looked for the loophole. He never just accepts the Christian answer. He always will challenge. Mr. B allowed(most) of his challenges.(If he allowed all, they would be there all night, Daniel can Talk. Haha) That led Daniel to a deeper study of God. Had he quieted that in him. It would have turned him away.

His wife Sarah gave just as much as he did. She was always baking and doing things for the teens. The teens became part of their family. I know Daniel felt awful because he wanted to say something to you publicly on Sunday. So this is his forum. I’ve seen his struggles. I know the real truth. I know how spiritually broken he really was when we came to you guys. I also know the tears he cried when he found out you were leaving. Daniel is not ashamed to cry. I want you to know that you have impacted lives here. My prayer is that you go and impact more Daniels. Thank you from a grateful mom. Thank you for showing my son, The Savior.

Instrument for You.

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It’s been one of those days. I know you have had them. When everything you have tried to do just seemed to fall apart. . My car broke, I had to cancel a doctor’s appointment, we had some homeschooling “issues” and on Facebook everyone had a comment on everything. If you didn’t line up exactly , well you must not be a fill in the blank. What in the world is wrong?

The cold weather is biting like a bee sting. Something inside feels off. I read it in people’s posts. The perfect homeschool post, the perfect christian post, the post in response to the post I posted post, diets, curriculum, politics, confusion, is there a God? On and on the madness ensues. Meanwhile my friend’s life is falling apart( while I get to homeschool my kids and have a great marriage) and all I can do is pray.Is this really how it should be?

But I have to just let the madness continue. Sometimes ignoring what others think and say is the only way to be an instrument for You. Approval is overrated.I don’t want to be an instrument for a cause or denomination. Just You.

Tonight I saw His sunset and felt His crisp air in my lungs.I couldn’t help but think, Let every thing that hath breath praise the LORD. Praise ye the LORD. Psalm 150:6

The world cannot hate us. We are to busy following it.

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I had an old Pastor that used to pray something like this” Lord I pray that I have been a pure enough vessel that You would speak through me today.“(which is so rare these days) He did not want his flesh to get in the way. It’s so easy you know. To let our old stinking selves to become the main focus. I mean just look at any Homeschool convention. You would think they were about the heart and mind of our children. When the first speakers showing up are speakers on weight-loss programs( the latest trend this year) . It’s seriously time to evaluate things. I’m sick over this. I was looking into two. One of my children is leaning toward a medical field and I was checking out two VERY opposite types. I already made it clear I love Tom Woods. I was taught Economics wrong. I listen to his podcasts and his talks on freedom etc. However I learned the convention he was going to was having Dr. Ben Carson. It is close to the Creation Museum and we would be able to visit the Columbus Zoo which my daughter ( who wants to be a zoologist) really wants to visit. I decided on this after looking at the “weight loss” convention though. That was started by missionaries and yes it has other great speakers. I went down the list and was not impressed. I know why we are losing the battle for homeschoolers . It’s right to educate the heart, but there was more of a focus on the body then the mind………..?????????PFT I need more coffee.

As a mom I have a responsibility to train my kids for the next generation. The last thing I need is for me to go to a convention and hear Another weight-loss program. Sure health is important, but Christians are the worst at preaching “don’t follow the fashion of the world’, than having 20 Vera Bradley purses.Ouch. Yes that’s the truth isn’t it. We tell people we don’t need to have soup kitchens, just tell them about Jesus.( Insert eyeroll HERE!) Americans don’t even know what a hunger pain is. We don’t need a diet plan. We need to get off our butt and live what we believe. In doing so our kids will see it. How about growing your own food? . Ditch the coupons. All you buy is processed junk with them anyway. Did you ever see someones stock pile? NO. Thanks.

Then all these bloggers telling me to live victorious lives.Accept yourself as the child of God.HA! Except they all follow each other or someone else. If one guy is popular every women shares his blog. Which makes me ill. If one preacher writes a book. People with no brains and obviously low self-esteem flock to him. They forget CONTEXT IS KING. Ditch 400 years of research and believe they are now slaves under a God who is some kind of Master. Sorry Gal 5. You don’t really mean we are under liberty. Sorry John 8:36 still a slave. Oh, and that wage of sin you were working for. You apparently are still under a master. Only slaves are working. Still in bondage because John MacArthur is smarter than the King James translators. They had no idea what they were doing. It was a conspiracy! Sorry John MacArthur I willingly serve my Lord. I willingly knelt at the feet of Jesus Christ.Slaves don’t work willingly. Just a little FYI. He redeemed me off the auction block of sin. He bought me back and SET ME FREE. So please take your false doctrine out of the church. You have been deceiving people for far too long. No, Jesus is not my buddy, but He is my friend (John 15:15), my Abba, my Lord , my God and so many other things. You cannot change God’s word to control a people.

So here’s why I wrote this; Christians do not just follow every thing that blows in. I don’t care if 5,000 people are at the service and your heart is moved. If the guy is weak and anemic. Please go study your Bible. Dig deeper. Women Far too long I have listened to you ask the dumbest questions in church. I think to myself if these women are training the next generation” God help us.” If you are acting dumb on purpose. STOP. The Proverbs 31 woman was not dumb or weak. She was strong and capable. Her husband trusted her( and she also had maidservants which no one wants to point out. If I had maidservants. I’d have time for lot’s of things. Like more gardening maybe going out with a friend. Who knows? The possibilities are endless. You get the point.)

The only way true change will come in this country is a resurgence of real Christianity. Not this weak , anemic, parasite we have now. Where self-government is seen as sin.
Here is a story of a judge in 1842 interviewing a Colonel that was in the battle of Concord.In 1842, Judge Mellen Chamberlain interviewed ninety-one-year-old Captain Preston, a veteran of the Battle of Concord in 1775, to try and establish why Preston had fought against the British (My math calculates this interval to be 67 years, placing the then-young fighting man’s age at around 24).
Judge Chamberlain: Did you take up arms against intolerable oppressions?
Captain Preston replied that he had never felt any oppressions.
Judge Chamberlain: Was it the Stamp Act?
Captain Preston: No, I never saw one of those stamps.
Judge Chamberlain: Was it the tea tax?
Captain Preston again said no.
Judge Chamberlain: Were you reading John Locke and other theorists of liberty?
Captain Preston: Never heard of’em. We read only the Bible, the Catechism, Watt’s Psalms and Hymns, and the Almanac.
Judge Chamberlain: Why, then, did you fight?
Captain Preston: Young man, what we meant in going for those Redcoats, was this: We always had governed ourselves, and we always meant to. They didn’t mean we should.

Maybe we should take a lesson from that Colonel. If we keep focusing on weight-loss programs and not on the heart of the matter. Christ taught personal liberty. The right of every man and woman to govern themselves. We all be accountable for ourselves before God. You are to examine yourself. The founders knew this. They knew they ought to obey God rather than man.Do you know why they were so hated. They were so different. Why is it taking nuns to stand up to a ruling tyrant. Christians are so entrenched in this world they have forgotten where they came from. Let me remind you.
John 15:19 If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you.12 disciples
Dialogue from ‘The Politically Incorrect Guide to American History’ by Prof. Thomas E. Woods, Jr., Phd.

Just as I am.

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We all sat around the table drinking coffee, sharing in holiday goodies and chatted.I listened to an all too familiar story. I can see his face, feel his shame. I’m so stupid.( I want to go back, go back andtell him. You are not stupid.You are created with a wonderful gift. You do not have a learning disability. You have a reading and spelling disability.Jesus does not care if you read the Bible out loud. Find your gift. Excel in it.) That’s what he knows though. That’s what they have told him. No-one spoke it. They did not say it out-loud. No words are needed. He sat in class. He had to read out loud. Because of course what would happen if he just sat there and listened ? I mean we are the church, we could not possibly come along side the struggling and help them. Do we see the need and stop the shame or enforce our control and insist, no demand perfect obedience? Because we all know every child is disobedient who does not want to participate, right?Did they consider how he would feel reading in front of his peers? Now it’s too late. The damage done. Facing them is worse than reading. Now his parents take the hit. ” Why is Dyslexia so strong in our family? We had him come out of that class. He was so embarrassed.” I brushed away the tear and shook my head. “I am so sorry. This happened to us too.“I sure wish I had the answer to that one. I know it’s hereditary, but really? To watch certain children struggle is so hard. . We didn’t know that it would affect all areas of life. People are so ignorant. Dyslexia is real. I will always fight for my kids. I will always teach my kids to also endure hardness. People will be ignorant and I can’t help the way they respond. I honestly don’t need my kids to be under the influence of controlling, ignorant individuals. I’ve taught my son it’s never going away. Allow them their ignorance. Be better. Love better. Rise above them.I think back on our struggles and I watch my son ,just when I want to give up on people (and I think some people should spend a little more time trying to use Google) an older fellow comes over to my son at church. He puts his arm around him and says, “I wanted you to know I’ve missed you.” He smiles. Someone misses him. (and that’s all he needs to know.) That’s all it takes. There is no shame in Dyslexia. Only shame in Church leaders who can’t see past their pride in taking in the least of these. eeyore http:

Here.

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It’s cold here in northwestern PA. . I know Polar Vortex, as if this is a sci-fi movie. Please. It’s cold. We feel it. Some of my chickens died and my Linemen husband is frozen when he actually comes home. This cold does go right through to your bones.The bleakness of winter can consume you if you let it. My kids of course are driving me crazy. If we don’t get above 1 degree soon I am seriously going to reevaluate my mental health. We’ve acquired a talking Amazon Parrot , conure, kitten and a dog since I last posted. I don’t have enough chaos in here, I’m opting for an indoor zoo! So I haven’t posted in over a year. I wasn’t able to sit at my computer. I have these disks that seem to pop like popcorn. This is the third time it has happened to me. I thought for sure I was done. I don’t know if you have ever experienced nerve pain, but it is not like anything I can describe.It is relentless and pursuing. I could not escape it. I did finally get surgery. I am not a fan of chiropractors and please refrain from telling me how wonderful they are for you. So I know this is not like my usual posts. I want you to know that God does hear the prayers of the Homeschooling Mom. He heard me say” God I can’t do this. If you don’t help me I quit. I am sending these kids to the public school and I just give up. The pain is too much( and it was)”. My friends forgot me, some family thought I was addicted to the pain meds( I don’t know why, they didn’t help much) . I told Him in no uncertain terms that I was done with Him and with everyone. Now if you don’t know God you will say” some God you have there” I know . You see this is not the worst thing I have ever been through, Maybe as far as pain level, but not the worst thing. He did help me through this and compensated for the lack of schooling I was not able to do. My kids are so much better now. I could just weep to think of it.I ditched my old schooling. I have so much better results now. I have more help for my dyslexic son. God used this time when I could not even sit, to do some great things in my kids lives. I have come out of this thing called suffering so much better. You see when you suffer no-one can go through this with you. You have no companion. It is not meant to be shared. I am not out of pain and probably never will be. I’m okay with that. I’ll be okay, someday. It has been awful. It has been painful and hard. Lonely nights. One thing I can say is trite things like this” You have not suffered as much as Job or as much as….” are just so ridiculous. So glad I have a great God who does reach down in my pain, because I have suffered as much as ME. He made me and knows my pain. My Creator fashioned me. No matter where I am. In a lonely dark place( which I have been before).no pitHe’s been there for me. This lesson isn’t learned breezing through life. It’s learned on the road less traveled. God knows our pain. No matter how deep the pit. Take heart. Homeschooling can be hard. I know. I’ve weathered the storms, the comments, the scrutiny, the struggles. They’re worth it. Don’t give up. I’m not perfect. I’ve been unorganized, my house messy, freaked out, lost my patience, lost my mind, please don’t ever think that you have lost your God. He’s here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQnBvUiAGsI#!

Memories…………

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dogwood
I drove by a dogwood tree today. The beautiful flowers blew in the spring breeze. Immediately I was taken back to my childhood. The small Dogwood in our front yard. I waited every year for it to bloom. It was a bright spot in my hard life. Joel and I were coming back from the dentist. We were chatting and enjoying one on one time. It’s always nice to just get alone with one of my children. I thought about the memory of the Dogwood and how it brought me back. It reminded me that memories are being made every day. I can choose to be a part of them or I can be a distant memory in my children’s lives. Time tends to erase memories. In an instant though a smell, or a sight can bring them flooding back. I want to be part of those memories in my kids life. Every silly giggle and exciting event. I don’t want to be the Mom on Facebook posting ABOUT my kids. I want to be the mom who INVESTED in her kids. Even while I home educate the balance of Mom and teacher is carefully weighed. Some days I feel like all I do is scold. I hate that. Todays dogwood reminded me that my kids need me to be their Mom, not just the scolding teacher. It’s the silliest moments that create the most memories. Sometimes I get caught in the trap of DOING. The more I do, the more social activities the more friends I allow, that will create great memories for my kids. You know what? My kids always remember the quality time together, like taking a walk yesterday. silly spring memories 016 A Huge black snake came slithering out of the swamp in front of us. We all froze. I gasped( hey you would too if you saw it.) Gasping has a funny effect on my Australian Shepherd Cooper. He went on the attack. He started flinging that creepy beast back and forth. The kids were yelling, I was gasping( causing the dog to attack more) Now the kids are spazing and everyone is worried about Cooper. Cooper turned out fine and that black devil was dead. Guess what my kids have been retelling all day! They are not remembering the latest movie or a toy recently purchased, nope they are reacting the drama of yesterday. I could have said no lets not walk, I’d rather________________, but the sun was shining and my children were asking. I don’t want to be a distant memory. I want to be part of the whole picture.I was encouraged that my kids don’t think I’m the scolding teacher I feel like. Cheyenne made me this picture. In her mind I am a smiling happy mom.(good thing she can’t see how I feel on the inside, some days I feel like such a failure) silly spring memories 010
God gave these kids to ME. It’s my responsibility and joy to join in the adventure and raise them. Now Monday when I am freaking out because the house is a mess, or they are lagging on school, I might have a different opinion. Today I’m enjoying these gifts and being thankful for every drama filled minute. At least when this ride is over I can say I invested my all and am part of the memory. Memories are being made every day. Are you part of them?to-be-in-your-childrens-memories