Tag Archives: death

There is love

There is love

I read today of another school shooting. God what is happening? My heart breaks. The next headline is about some sick, twisted people who abused their children under the cover of homeschooling. These people aren’t home educators they are predators and need to be put down! I look down at my leg .After my last surgery, it has not been right. It’s numb from my hip on down to the tips of my toes. That wouldn’t be so bad except for the extreme nerve pain. I wake up and go to bed to it. (If I sleep at all.)  A friend calls me sobbing. Her heart is broken. I don’t even know if I have any answers. I listen, my heart aches, we end our call. Where is there any good in all this mess? Has goodness fled the earth?

God how do I help the hurting when I’m hurting too?

I go  to grab a cup of coffee. I look at the words I wrote some time ago on my chalkboard cupboard, “ You will never lighten any load until you feel the pressure in your own soul“. Ravi Zacharias

That’s it.

I know suffering, I know heartache. I know what it feels like to not be able to make your child safe.  Watching my daughter have a Tonic Clonic seizure and sobbing helplessly while my husband performs CPR. That was helplessness. Asking God for the last 10 years to heal my pain and get me out of homeschooling. (Yep, that was my prayer) Watching my son be bullied and ridiculed by the very people who were supposed to be leaders. Watching him struggle with dyslexia and crying alongside his young mind. Feel the pressure in my own soul.

I don’t have the answer to pointless wars and murders, to twisted people who we call “parents” that abuse the innocent, to broken wills to live or pain, but I do know that I can enter into the grief of the hurting and I can feel the pressure. I can show up and speak up. There still is goodness on this earth.

I saw it the day my daughter had a seizure and a family took care of the rest of my children. I saw it when my friend called me out of the blue when I was suffering unimaginable pain and trying to cope. I saw it in the encouragement of a Youth Pastor who has allowed my son to believe that people actually care and want his best . I saw it the day I woke up and just couldn’t anymore. I had to take one of my sons to the Orthodontist and my leg hurt. Waking up to the same pain ,taking the same meds, waiting for the tick, tick of the clock so the pain eases a bit. I sat there thinking, “God I just want to hear from you.” I got in our van and drove 30 mins. to the appointment. This particular son is quiet (like annoyingly quiet) so I put the radio on. Part of the words were about Jesus calling us. https://youtu.be/rYQ5yXCc_CA I sighed and wished He would. Call that is. I was in quite the mood by the time we walked in the office. I plastered on my fake smile said, “Hi” and sat down. The TV was on and Kathy Lee Gifford was singing some song about letting Jesus be seen in me. The receptionist starting talking to me so I shifted my eyes to her. She asked me how my back was.( I’ve been coming here for years and they know me well. I probably pay her salary. LOL) She walked back to her desk and had a book in her hand. She said, “Barb this book is about my faith.” I looked down at the book then at her. She said, “I just want you to know that God is with you and He cares”. I really couldn’t speak. I’m not the kind of person to cry in front of others. She told me to look at the date in the book because it seemed to be exactly what I needed. I didn’t need anything else from the book. The front of the book was written Jesus Calling. I knew I had just been called by God through an amazing women I didn’t even know was a Christian. When I got into the van I started to sob. My son said with big eyes,” Mom what’s wrong?” So I told him and we both drove home pretty amazed by the kindness of a receptionist.

God has been with me in all this pain. I don’t know if I can say Thank you God for this suffering. It’s been 10 years and I’m just going to be honest. It’s not easy. But I do know if God can’t make it better, I just want Him to make it count. Everyday.

I have always wanted to make a difference in this world. I knelt down in a soda machine room in Bible college and told the Lord he could have my life and do whatever he wanted with it. I pledged to die if need be. I don’t think when we pledge our lives we know what we are saying. Was I willing to give up my independence? Was I willing to suffer, not die, but truly suffer for God? What if He had told me,  “Barb I’m going to pull on your nerve for 10 years to the end of your life. Will you still serve me?” Well that’s a hard answer. I’m no different then Peter. “I’ll die for you Lord but, Um, could you please stop pulling on my nerve.” How about Jobs wife? I always feel she gets a bad rap. I mean she lost those SAME 10 children. She lost everything too. Now she’s watching her husband suffer. Maybe she just wanted his suffering to end. Not that she was a wicked woman. She was clearly not in her right mind,” you speak as one of the foolish woman”. So before she wasn’t foolish. Maybe she was just broken? I have been there. I have been so broken in pain and grief that I have asked God to just take me home or cut my leg off, either will work.

So is God so mean He would cause my suffering? No, I don’t actually blame God. I blame Agent Orange and another senseless war. My sister and brother have terrible backs. My father was in Vietnam and was in an area of high concentration of Agent Orange( Who on earth ever thought that was a good idea???) My Dad has had 9 back surgeries . That is not a coincidence. But please continue to put it in our food. Stellar idea. So mankind is evil. Not everything is God’s fault. He has been here in this pain and is completely capable of healing me. Should I shake my fist and say ” If thou art the Christ get off that cross or Heal me” . Either way it’s the same thing. We all want free will but when we get it ,we don’t like the results.

I am not like you anymore. I have been given a glimpse of what entering into means. Sometimes I wish I could make you see. When you carelessly comment about someone’s pain medication, when you think someone should just get over whatever hardship is in their past, when you carelessly tell an abuse victim to just forgive the abuser, when you stand before people and tell them to trust God yet you know nothing of suffering, when you brag about helping people( really?) ,when you tell someone” let me know if there is anything I can do”. ( please), when you say to a chronically ill person” God is good all the time” and they are living on pain pills wondering where God is. Friends enter into their suffering. Feel the pressure. Clichés and idioms don’t help. Be there for the long haul. Don’t be a fair weather friend . Some people’s storms never blow away( only their friends do)  . It’s easy to say I’ll pray for you, but will you be there for the long haul?

Part of homeschooling for me is teaching my kids we are not here to serve ourselves. I don’t always excel at this. I sometimes have to pull myself out of a massive pity party to show them service. This world needs love. This world needs hope. This world needs people who feel the pressure in their own soul and lift burdens. Be there. Give hope. Show the world there is still love. I sometimes pity you. I have an insight you will never have, yet I have a pain you will never want.

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” To this day, especially in times of “disaster,” I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.”

Fred Rogers

If you can’t make it better God, Please make it count.


Tuesday never came


I’m up typing tonight because the last picture I saw before I tried to go bed was a picture of my friend Bonnie laying on her husbands chest. It’s the last time she will ever sleep next to him on this earth. He took his last breath on Tuesday. Bonnie is sleeping by Adams casket.The image gutted me. It reminded me how fragile life is. How time is so precious, how eternity really is more important than we think.Sikoras Bonnie is a homeschooling mom of 4. She and Adam had one of those fairytale marriages. They seriously made you jealous. Soul mates, best friends, lovers. They loved each other, they loved their kids and they loved Jesus. Bonnie said this in her post on Facebook,

This has been a time I wish I could wake up from. I want to go back and relive Monday over and over, so Tuesday never comes…but this would be my plan not Gods plan! His plan is better than mine! I fully trust that God will make something beautiful out of this. I’m broken and I hurt. I hurt for me but I hurt for our 4 children who are hurting. I know I don’t need to tell anyone how great Adam was. I was lucky to be his bride. He loved me, he did everything for me and with me. I have no regrets leading up to this horrible nightmare. We have lots of hard days ahead of us but I will continue to give God the glory! I also pray that someone will read this and see how fragile this life is. Adams life was gone in a second but I have no doubts where he is now. Tomorrow is not the day to repent and get right with God, The time is now! We don’t know what tomorrow will bring


Adam was very healthy. he ran, ate organic, he looked healthy. Daily I watch FB posts for Plexus, Essential oils, Thrive, It Works and a host other wellness products. Posts against gluten, for organic, I myself advocate Low carb, high Fat. We often preach that Jesus is coming back. We say no man knows the hour, yet we fail to say that, that’s true to the sinner, the back slider,the saved, the healthy, the marathon runner, the organic vegan. Jesus is coming back and in fact He came back for Adam. For some of you Tuesday is never going to come. You only have THIS day. This day to know that Jesus Christ died for your sins, that the Bible says all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. Our sin has separated us from a Holy God. One thing Adam knew is that Jesus died for His sins and that His sins were forgiven. Adam did not have to worry about Tuesday. He had prepared his soul. He had put his faith in Jesus Christ and trusted Him as Savior. His children get to say “my Dad knew God”. He was ready to meet his Maker.

I have watched posts about zombies, health, children, politics. I wonder tonight how many are thinking of eternity? We always think we have one more minute, one more hour , one more month, one more year. We never think Tuesday will never come for us. We view life in light of the right now. We brag on the glass of wine we just had that we must tell our friends about, the latest phone we purchased, the designer purse we are loving. Homeschoolers brag on the accomplishments of their children, life goes on and on. Nobody stops to think today I could cross the threshold into eternity. Some think this life is all there is. Some believe in more, some just ignore it hoping maybe to avoid it altogether, others are thinking all the”good” they do will out outweigh the bad and God will let them in. I’ve had friends give me every excuse you could conjure up as to why they don’t believe. One doesn’t do organized anything. (But Unions are okay)
I know someone right now who will say if your God is real and He is so good why would he take that man from his wife and 4 kids, why when they were so in love and so happy? It’s the same hurling accusation,“if you are really the Christ get down off that cross”. Something I learned a long time ago is an atheist only believes in God when he wants to blame Him for something bad, but don’t ever give Him credit for good. Human beings lash out at authority, we hate to be controlled. We would never want a God who made us slaves, or robots. We want our free will. When sin entered the world and so death, all kinds of evil have happened, murders, rapes famine etc. We shake our fist at God and say how dare you, how could you! You don’t love us! Why aren’t you helping! But we choose. We want our free will. Yet it seems we also want a genie in a bottle and life just does not work like that. If we want free will and want to sin and reject Christ we cannot expect Him to interfere in the natural progression of our choice. It does not mean God loved Adam any less. But death happens to all of us. Adam was ready.
It’s gut wrenching that it was earlier than anyone would have expected .Saying to Bonnie you will see him again someday is nice, but honestly it falls so short, she wants him here. Everytime I think about it, I sob. I have 4 kids and I homeschool. I can put myself in her shoes and feel empathy. I have cried and prayed for her precious kids and Bonnie’s broken heart. Bonnie loves Jesus, but she’s gonna need so much prayer after all the funeral and stuff dies down. That’s when it really gets hard. The new normal starts. We live our lives and she has to try to live hers. God has placed Bonnie directly on my tear ducts. I really am so burdened for her. She can trust that God will hold her hand and allow her to lay on His chest at night. God will heal her broken heart. Jesus wept when his friend Lazarus died and Jesus cares about Bonnie and the kids. But Bonnie has a request.

Bonnie said her prayer is that some soul would come to Christ through Adams death. So I wrote this in hopes that you would share it. That you would tell your neighbors and friends and warn them that Jesus is coming back. That their Tuesday may never come. Jesus came back for Adam. Please make sure you are ready when he comes for you.
This is a great link to help you know if you are ready http://markcahill.org/<<<<<<<<<<<PRESS THIS LINK!!